


Hiraeth

by PunkRyuki



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Oneshot, Suicidal Thoughts, The Inquisitor does not ship it, The Inquisitor is thirsty, Trespasser DLC, but there's hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 07:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4819835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkRyuki/pseuds/PunkRyuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiraeth<br/>(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is all about the Trespasser DLC, so if you don't want spoilers, looks away.
> 
> Alternative title: In Which Solas Saves The Inquisitor Again

            Things were coming to an end. She could feel it in the Winter Palace, see it on the Fereldan nobles’ faces, hear it in the rush of noise from the waterfalls of the Orlesian baths. The Exalted Council sought to end the Inquisition, and Ellana feared that they would succeed. Her life had completely changed with the Inquisition. How would it change with its end?

            Having her inner circle back together in one place again staved off the forboding, made it feel like old times again, when death hung over them, but they all had a purpose, a common goal. Oh, how wrong she had been.

            “Aaaand you didn’t know.” Varric had the grace to look sheepish, scratching the back of his neck. “Ok, party’s over. Let’s leave them to it.” Her friends filed away, leaving The Iron Bull passed out on the ground. Ellana stepped around him and tried to ignore the snoring.

            “I’m going back to Tevinter after all of this. For good this time.” Dorian had his hand on his other elbow in that sassy pose he always got when he was anxious. He had been a dear friend to her. She always enjoyed their chats in the library and the tavern. Aside from Bull, no one else knew this man’s tells like her. “I’ve inherited my father’s magister position. He was assassinated, I believe.”

            “I’m sorry about your father,” Ellana said, head lowered. “I know you two never did recover your relationship.”

            “Yes. Thank you. It means something, coming from you. I was going to tell you once all this business was over. I didn’t want to upset you before the Council had concluded.”

            A bitter part of Ellana wanted to answer back, “Well it’s too late for that,” but it was cruel and unnecessary. Dorian had always said he wanted to go back to Tevinter to change it, to save his homeland. She was just being too clingy with her dear friend. “First Cassandra becomes Divine, then Varric’s a viscount, and now you’re a magister. All my friends are becoming royalty.”

            “Out of all of those titles, I do believe Inquisitor is the most impressive.” Dorian smiled, the tips of his curled mustache lifting. She would miss that smile.

            “I wish you the best of luck, Dorian. I really do.”

            “Thank you, my friend.”

 

* * *

          

“You think we should end the Inquisition?” Ellana found this so surprising coming from Leliana. She figured her Spymaster would be the most unwilling to stop their organization, that she would suggest ways to pull the strings of the Arl and the Duke.

“We can still work for the good of Thedas without the Inquisition. The time for soldiers and spies has past.”

Her chest felt like it contained a tangle of knots rather than a set of lungs. Even Leliana thought she had outlived her usefulness.

“The people are ready to move past the Breach. So should we. Whatever you decide, I would be honored to stand beside you.” With that, her Spymaster bowed her retreat, leaving Ellana feeling empty in the open courtyard.

 

* * *

 

 

            “So you two…are…huh,” she stared dumbfounded at Cole lovingly arm-in-arm with Maryden, their resident bard (not the spy kind, the one that actually sings songs.) Her mouth flopped wordlessly, but she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Cole, her Cole, was in a relationship with a woman, and this bard no less. The woman followed the Inquisition around since day one, but Ellana knew so little about her. Her stomach turned, and she tamped down the queasy feeling. This felt so wrong, like a sadistic play. “Cole, could I speak to you privately for a moment?”

            “Go on, love,” Maryden gave him a sweet peck on his cheek, and pushed him towards her. Ellana just barely fought down the urge to push the woman away from her Cole. “I’m sure you two have a lot to catch up on. Good day, Inquisitor.” The woman bowed her head graciously, and returned to the small tavern.

            “Come with me.” Ellana didn’t feel like having this conversation in the courtyards of Halamshiral. There was no privacy. She led them into the palace into one of the smaller sitting rooms. Almost everyone was outside mingling, so she had no fear that this conversation would be overheard.

            She sat down on one of the velvety fainting couches, briefly annoyed by its coziness. They had nothing so comfortable at Skyhold. Cole remained standing, looking at her curiously. Aside from her advisors, Cole was the only one of her friends that she saw fairly often. Everyone else was doing their own thing, and she felt happy for them truly, but Cole was special to her. To be so blindsided by this other side of him…

            “Seeing me with Maryden has upset you,” Cole spoke in his usual dream-like voice. “Why?”

            “I don’t think she’s good enough for you. She’s practically a stranger. Being only a bard, she must have a pretty bland personality. Her singing’s ok, but she could really use some fresh material. Everyone is sick of hearing that song about Sera. Does she even know anything about how you came to be?”

            “You’re jealous,” Cole realized.

            Ellana’s pointed ears perked up, and her face grew hot. “I-I am not. You’re like a son to me, Cole.”

            “I know. You like to think of me as your and Solas’ child. You think of all of us as a family. Your new clan.”

            Hearing that name stung. It’d been two years. She really wished people would just drop it. He was gone. “Yes, like that. So I guess…as your honorary mother, I disapprove of this relationship.”

            Cole stared at her, as if he were trying to riddle out a puzzle. “You like it when I’m happy, though. You always give me presents and bring me to see Leliana’s baby nugs, so why…” He sat next to her, his hand resting on her arm. Then his eyes opened comically wide. “There’s a hole in your heart where Solas once was, festering green, tearing itself open. You try to fill that hole with me. When I hug you and let you kiss my hair, it hurts less.” Then he turned toward her earnestly, his boyish face twisted in concern. “But I only numb the pain. When I leave, it is still there. I can’t make it go away. Not forever.”

            She was crying now, head in her hands in shame. This was why Cole was special to her. He was the only one who could truly understand. Her heart wasn’t broken. It was missing.

            “He calls me Vhenan, but he is my vhenan. Now he’s gone. And I am soulless.”

            Gods, she was so selfish. Cole deserved to be happy. All of her friends did. They all were looking to the future, finding their own purpose and happiness. She was the one who couldn’t move on from the day the Breach closed. The Veil was healed, the rifts gone. There was no purpose to her, and no purpose to the Inquisition. Suddenly, she was on her feet, and her arm felt cold and bare where Cole had touched it. Wiping her tears, Ellana steeled her face into one worthy of the Inquisitor. “I’m sorry, Cole. You are right. I want you to be happy. If Maryden brings you happiness, then I want you two to be together. Please give her my regards and congratulations on your relationship.”

            She bowed her head in goodbye and hastily bid her retreat. Just before she closed the door behind her, she could hear Cole say “No clan, no family, no Pride.”

 

* * *

 

 

            The Qunari corpse was a godsend. She barely spoke a word at the Council meeting. Josephine had been giving her desperate looks, having to pull their defense through on her own. Likely the Ambassador would give her some stern words later about participating in the diplomacy, but she couldn’t find the words to defend the Inquisition. The Arl had a point.

            But now, there was danger, a war looming over their heads. _This_ she knew; _this_ would give her purpose.

            “Why do you look so happy?” Sera frowned at her, replacing her bow to its position on her back. “We’re running through friggin’ creepy shite, and both crazy demons _and_ qunari keep trying to lob our heads off.”

            “It just feels good to have the gang together again,” Ellana smiled back, still huffing from the strain of their battle.

            “I know what you mean, boss,” The Iron Bull chimed in. “Feels good to kick some ass with friends.”

            “Can’t tell you how much I missed this over the past two years,” Black—Thom Rainier laughed, rolling his shoulder. He had done a particularly hard shield bash into one of the giant Qunari warriors.

            Silence fell for a bit as everyone situated themselves after the battle and downed a health potion or two. Sera stepped up to where Ellana was adjusting her travel pack back onto her back. “You know I meant what I said, right? About joining the Red Jenny?”

            Ellana smiled. Sera had been a good friend to her, especially after Solas left. She even graciously never mentioned that one drunken night where she had turned down Ellana’s weeping proposition to bed her.

            “I know those nobs are probably gonna end this. All they ever do is end things. But we have a great thing going, yeah? We can keep it going after, just you and me. I bet we could get Bull to join in if we bring that piss he always drinks.”

            “What brought all this on?” Ellana laughed, fingers skimming across her bare face to push back loose hairs.

            “I don’t know,” Sera shook her head. “It just feels like I’ll never see you again once all this is over. That not just the Inquisition will end, but you will too.”

            Her skin felt clammy suddenly.

            “That’s some pretty ominous words coming from you, Sera,” Thom stepped in. “You’re not usually so dreary. You’re starting to sound like—” He stopped, looking at Ellana with apologetic eyes.

            “Oh go stick one of your swords where it don’t shine, Beardy.” Sera blew a raspberry at the human, and they were off. Her companions continued their light hearted banter, but they all had a sick feeling of dread in their hearts.

 

* * *

 

 

            It was Thom who found her the first time it happened at Halamshiral. The anchor flared like a hive of angry hornets and it stung a thousand times worse. It felt like it was ripping her hand in half very very slowly. When it happened in the crossroads, she could discharge her energy in battle, but in her bedroom in the Winter Palace, she feared what damage she might cause. She lay on her bed, curled inside of herself in as tight a ball as she could, clutching her hand, gritting her teeth to keep silent from the pain.

            A knock at the door. “Inquisitor? Are you alright in there?” Thom’s voice.

            Ellana couldn’t answer, could only let out an agonized cry as a fresh new wave of pain came from her hand.

            In an instant, the door was thrown wide open and Thom was by her side, bushy eyebrows raised in alarm. His arms were around her shaking shoulders, and it was absolutely pathetic how good that felt, to be held and coddled.

            “You’ve let it build up this long? You need to let it out, Ellana.”

            “I can’t,” she managed to get out through clenched teeth. Thom was just a black blur in her tear-stained vision. “I’ll hurt you.”

            “I told you before; I can take a punch.”

            The anchor flared up in agreement, and Ellana found she had no choice. She tried to let out as little as possible, but as soon as she let go, he was flying across the room from the shockwave. The relief was palpable. She almost fainted right there. As such, her body was now a limp rag on the bed. “Thom?”

            The man got to his feet with a grunt and made his way to her side. “What’d I tell ya?”

            With a grateful smile, she passed out.

 

* * *

 

 

            She must not have been out for long, because she woke up to Thom’s voice again, just outside her door, but this time, there were others to answer him.

            “It’s getting worse. I’m not sure how much longer she’ll make it.”

            “Don’t talk like that, Beardy. She’ll be fine. She has to be fine.”

            “I’m not just worried about the anchor. She still acts like a dead woman walking. I should know, I’m a Necromancer. I knew she was bad when I left for Tevinter, but I thought time would have made it better.”

            “That’s what you get when you make one person your entire world.”

            “That’s not fair, amatus.”

            “You’re right, I’m sorry. I just really want to punch someone over this, and the one person I should punch has disappeared. For all we know, he died somewhere.”

            Ellana tried to go back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

            “Ellana, my dear friend, it has been entirely too long since we have gotten shit-faced together.” Dorian wrapped his arm around the Inquisitor’s shoulders and drew her away from Duke Cyril.

            “Thank you for that rescue,” she said when they were out of ear shot. “He seems to think sweet-talking me will get the Inquisition to dissolve into Orlais’ ranks.”

            “Then that’s a delightful side-benefit. I really did want you to drink the good wine with me before it’s all gone. Bull already took an entire keg to himself.”

            Ellana laughed warmly. It always amazed her the amount of alcohol The Iron Bull could keep down. How did he not have gout? Maybe the Qunari had stronger livers and less taste buds. Dorian led her to a set of plush couches surrounded by potted flowers. The material was soft and most likely ridiculously expensive. _What do they do when it rains?_ Her musings were interrupted when Dorian handed her a goblet brimming with a dark red wine. She tried and failed not to spill it on the pristinely white couches.

            He held his cup aloft in a toast. “To the Inquisition, may it be everlasting, and its leader ever-drunk.”

            With a strained smile, Ellana knocked her cup against his, splashing some more on the couch, but she didn’t take a drink. His words felt ominous.

            Dorian stopped delicately sipping his wine to give her a pitying look. “I didn’t just bring you here to ply you with wine in order to have my wicked Tevinter way with you. I have a going-away present for you.” He pulled out a necklace that looked to have a bulbously round shell hanging from it. His fingers flicked open a hidden clasp to reveal a small white crystal inside. “It’s a sending crystal. This way we can keep in touch, and it’s much quicker than letters. What, you didn’t just think I would fly off, and you’d never hear from me again, did you?”

            Ellana reached to take the locket from him, mouth open in wonder, and her eyes burning a little. Dorian’s hands wrapped around hers, directing her eyes away from the wondrous sending crystal to his eyes.

            “You are my dearest and perhaps only friend. If you don’t keep in touch with me, I’ll send an army of Tevinter soldiers to beat some sense into you. Or worse, I’ll turn you into a toad.”

           Ellana laughed and prided herself on not letting a single tear fall. “Can you do that from across Thedas?”

           “No, but let all these Southerners keep thinking that. Keeps them on their toes.”

 

* * *

 

 

          Vivienne found her next. The court mage had managed to drag her to the Orlesian baths with only her words. The woman was demanding like that. “It’s a spa, darling. The best in all of Thedas, I suspect. We deserve this.” Currently they were laying down on the comfy couches again in their swimsuits, little cheese wheels over their eyes while servants fanned perfumed steam lightly over them. Vivienne looked completely relaxed, but Ellana found this all very weird. Orlesians had some strange hobbies.

          “Tell me what the little cheeses are for?”

          “Darling, the fact that you even have to ask that tells me you’ve been living far too long in uncivilized company.”

          If Vivienne thought Skyhold was uncivilized, she should try to live with the Dalish. They didn’t even have cheese.

          “So, Vivienne, how has the Circle been treating you?”

          “Ugh, it’s absolutely dreadful. I never wanted to be a mother, and here I find myself adopting an entire tower of infants. They can’t do anything right. I think they’re ready to be potty-trained soon.”

         “I’m sure you’ll have the place whipped in to shape in no time. Maybe with a little less Templar abuse this time?”

        “Please, I’m just trying to get the library back together. So much knowledge lost…” An uncharacteristically sad sigh escaped from Vivienne’s lips. “I know! You should come visit me in Montsimmard in a few months, my dear. Hopefully I’ll have it looking somewhat presentable. Your presence will likely spark more enthusiasm. Yes, you simply must come, darling.”

        “I…will try to go when I can.”

 

* * *

 

 

        “You need to stay away from her, Beardy.”

        “You’ll have to be a bit more specific.”

        “You know who I mean. You’re sweet on her and looking for some sideways fun, and she’d let you, but all it’ll do is make big arses of you both. You weren’t there these past two years. You don’t know. You’d both come to regret it.”

        “She deserves to move on.”

        “But you can’t help her do that. If you don’t believe me, then talk to Freaky. He knows her better than anyone else here. Y’know, because of his weirdiness.”

 

* * *

 

 

            Gods, the anchor hurt. The pain was worse than ever before. It traveled up her arm and settled in her jawbone. She knew that this would kill her. That the mark that had changed her life, that gave her this amazing life, these friends, would take them away just as easily. She died that day in the Temple of Sacred Ashes, every moment since had been borrowed time.

            The anchor was eating her alive. When it finally claimed her, likely she would turn into a rift herself. Would she be a big one? Either way, it would be dangerous, leaving the possibility for demons, and with her gone, no one else would be able to close the rifts. She should go to some place where demons could cause no harm. Maybe she’d jump into the middle of the ocean, or maybe go down into the Deep Roads, where only darkspawn would find her. The thought of dying alone in the dark with miles of rock or water above her filled her with dread.

            “Ma enfanan, Ellana. You can’t even do right by your own death.” She should leave now. With her gone, the Inquisition would likely dissolve, and everyone would no longer be held back. They could go be the best selves they could be. Dorian would go to Tevinter, Varric to Kirkwall, Cassandra would be Divine…They all had so much more to give the world, more than she ever could.

            She had one last job to do. Once the Qunari matter was looked into, and hopefully settled, she would leave, find somewhere that her death could do no harm. She should say her goodbyes now. Nothing too obvious, or they would get suspicious.

            Ellana mourned her death and the upcoming loss of her friends, and whispered the last prayer she would ever give. “Fen’Harel ma halam.”

 

* * *

 

 

            It took careful planning and a great deal of sneaking for her to leave all of her little presents where her friends would find them when it was too late. Most of them mingled in the courtyard during the day, so their rooms were the safest bet.

            For Thom, she left Blackwall’s warden-constable badge. When he had been found out as Thom Rainier, the man had tossed the badge away, feeling unworthy of it once the truth had come to life. She had kept it, having meant to return it to him all this time.

            For Sera, she left a Dalish recipe for medicinal cookies, meant to clean out the sickness from a person, whether through the front or the back, with a note ‘to be used for big people.’

            For Vivienne, she left a note saying that all of Skyhold’s books were for her Circle libraries.

            For Varric, she left a hastily scrawled series of notes about her time with the Inquisition, so that he may ‘get the facts right,’ when he inevitably writes the book.

            For The Iron Bull, she left Dorian’s sending crystal. It felt bad to re-gift, but he would get the most use out of it with her gone.

            For Cassandra, she left her a paperback trashy romance novel. It was not nearly as good as Swords and Shields, but it had been Ellana’s guilty pleasure.

            For Dorian, she left her most powerful lifeward amulet, and a note that read, “I’m sorry. I love you.”

            Cole had been difficult, as there were no things that he would like, and there was no way she could do anything for him in person. He would know what she was up to, no matter how dulled his senses had become. Her pain must be like a beacon. Instead, she gave Maryden some pretty stones she had found in the Deep Roads, and asked her to sing a song meant for herself, not someone else. The woman had blushed, and after much cajoling, eventually sang a lullaby her father used to sing to her when she was little. Making Maryden happy would make Cole happy.

            For her advisors, she decided her gift to them would be to decide the Inquisition’s fate, whether they wanted to keep this thing going, or to go their separate ways.

 

* * *

 

 

           “The same agent who helped seal the Breach, who led you to Skyhold, who gave Corypheus the orb, then founded the Inquisition. Solas, agent of Fen’Harel.”

            She felt so many things at once that she felt nothing at all. Her mind was stuck on one word, unable to comprehend or move on. The Viddasala continued on, but the only word Ellana could hear was “Solas.” For the first time in a while, something feelingly fearfully like hope rose in her heart.

            “I have to save him,” she told the others. They all raised various forms of objection, but she did not hear them. She ran forward, discharging her anchor sent the remaining Qunari warriors on the bridge flying, eclipsed in the moonlight. One that still remained standing she knocked out of the way with her staff and ran through the eluvian.

            On the other side, she came across a sunset outlook over a fortress in the mountains. She bumped into some kind of statue when she stumbled from the mirror, and gasped to see that it was one of the Qunari turned to stone. They had seen these strange stone Qunari all on this journey. What spell could have caused this?

            She ventured up the path just in time to see the Viddasala turn to stone. Behind her corpse stood _him._ She stumbled towards him like a child, hand outstretched. His name came unbidden from her lips.

            The man that turned around was not the guilty apostate that had first broken her heart, but an armor clad warrior, a god. His face was carefully neutral, hands in a relaxed position behind his back. All that was lost when her anchor flared up, bringing her to her knees from the pain. Suddenly he was kneeling beside her, face wrenched in shared agony. With only the glowing of his eyes to indicate he had used magic, the pain ebbed away, leaving the two kneeling on the ground, close enough to kiss.

            A look in her eyes gave him the courage to pull away and stand up. He explained his past, that he had been given the name Fen’Harel by the Evanuris, that he had worked to free the slaves, and had raised the Veil to trap his enemies in the Beyond, unwittingly bringing the destruction of the Elvhen. Honestly, she had known that he was Fen’Harel ever since she saw the mural of the wolf removing vallaslin, just as Solas had removed hers and removed her from her clan. _That’s not fair. You left your clan when you became Inquisitor. You knew there would be no going back to your life before. You were changed._ It had been a long time since she had felt Dalish, long before Solas removed her markings.

            “I led you here so that I may save what few years you have left,” Solas spoke to her in his even tone, a voice meant for reciting poetry, not tearing her to shreds like this. “I wish for you to live in relative peace. You have earned that much, Inquisitor.”

            Ah, so it’s “Inquisitor” now. “Take me with you,” she practically flung herself at him, but he kept her at arm’s length, as always. “What’s the point of saving the world if we’re not together?”

            That nearly broke him, but he turned his eyes away, as if the mere sight of her gave him pain. “I cannot, vhenan. I walk the din’anshiral. It is better for you to stay away.”

            “Why?” she screamed at him. “Why won’t you just let us be together? We love each other, is that not enough?”

            “Ir abelas, vhenan.”

            “Tel’abelas! If you truly ever loved me, you’d let us be together. If you’re going to destroy the world to keep us apart, then I am going to save it to keep us together.”

            Now Solas wore a fond smile. “I have no doubt you will try, ma lath.” His eyes glowed with magic, and then her arm containing the anchor glowed, began to cut itself off from her body. “Go back to your inquisition. Live in peace.”

            Just before he turned to walk through, she cried out “Var lath vir suledin!” The only indication that he ever heard her was a slight pause before he left for good.

            She cried there for a while on the ground as her arm disintegrated, then her wracking sobs turned into heaving laughter. Gods, her relationship with Solas was messed up. He broke her down and caused her such grief, but he always saved her from that pain. He stopped the anchor from killing her twice now. Her love was both the poison and the antidote.

Ellana struggled to her feet, slightly off-kilter now that she was missing an arm. Her cheeks tinted with shame for how long she had cried in front of the closed eluvian. She had no time to waste. He already had a head start on her, and she would need to disband the Inquisition and start anew.

She gazed at the eluvian that separated her and her heart one last time, and whispered revenantly, “Ma serannas, Fen’Harel.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this little ficlet after playing the DLC, and I must say it was the best epilogue one could hope for. The Solavellan relationship has always been a tragic one, but this DLC gave it a new direction, gave it hope. Which is ultimately what this fic was all about. The loss and then return of hope. I felt this bittersweet feeling of loss for my Inquisitor at the end. Depending on your choices, she could be left with only Cassandra and Leliana (and Harding) at her side, just like at the beginning. It's quite sad to see all of these friends part.
> 
> I know that a lot of people have Cullen as the person who Lavellan could rebound with after Solas leaves, but in my playthrough Blackwall kept flirting with me, and it was very distracting.


End file.
